In recent years, this question has been pushed into the mainstream conversation, thanks in part to Matt Walsh’s provocative documentary. But for me, What is a woman? wasn’t a political inquiry or a culture war talking point. It was personal… Deeply personal.
I was asking this question long before social media could ignite global debates, back when Internet Explorer and dial-up were our gateway to the world. I was 18, had just given birth to my first son, and I was being referred to as a woman more and more. But I didn’t feel like one.
I remember sitting at the computer, typing the words “What is a woman?” into the search bar—hoping for answers, for guidance, for some shape I could fit into. How should I behave? What should I wear? What does it mean to be a woman?
The search results were empty. Chat rooms were filled with emotionally immature men offering opinions laced with inappropriateness. I was looking for substance, and all I found were misaligned projections. That experience left me with a lingering sense of confusion. It also planted the first seed of a deeper inquiry that would unfold over years.
The Ontological Lens of Womanhood
Now, many years into my healing and integration journey, I realize the answer was never in a browser. It was always in me.
Through an ontological lens—the study of being—I’ve come to define a woman not as a checklist of traits or roles, but as an energetic truth. A woman is a way of being that expresses itself through embodiment, intuition, and empowered presence.
To “be” a woman is to live from a deeply internal compass—one that isn’t externally prescribed but internally revealed. Womanhood is not something you achieve—it’s something you activate.
There’s so much pressure to look, act, and perform a certain way. But when we strip away the roles, the aesthetics, and the performance, what’s left is essence. And essence doesn’t need permission to exist. It already is.
The Divine Feminine vs. Divine Masculine
We dive into this more deeply in another article, but it’s worth touching on here because it provides critical context.
Divine Feminine energy is an empowering, magnetic force. It nourishes, creates, softens, and deepens. It doesn’t overpower—it invites. It is rooted in inner wisdom and expressed through intuition, receptivity, and embodied presence.
Divine Masculine energy, on the other hand, is an influencing, directional force. It builds, protects, leads, and focuses. It thrives in clarity, structure, and purpose-driven movement.
Every human has both energies. The question is not which energy is better—it’s which energy do you naturally lead with?
When I began to understand this dynamic, it was like a veil lifted. I saw that what I had been missing wasn’t a definition of womanhood—it was permission to live from the energy that already felt most natural to me.
A Woman Has Many Facets
Womanhood is not a box to check—it’s a multifaceted, ever-evolving landscape. Through my own journey, I’ve come to honor three main expressions of what it means to be a woman:
- A woman is an energetic field. There is a particular vibrational quality to the feminine. It is felt more than seen. It’s a knowing that enters a room before she speaks. It’s the texture of her presence—intuitive, attuned, magnetic.
- A woman is biology. This isn’t to reduce a woman to her body, but to acknowledge that our biology carries wisdom. Our hormonal rhythms shape how we feel, respond, and process. Our cycles are not burdens—they are codes. They hold insight into our emotional, physical, and spiritual terrain. The feminine body is deeply intelligent, and honoring it is part of reclaiming what has been suppressed for generations.
- A woman is a way of being. Through the ontological lens, womanhood is not just something you have—it’s something you live. It’s how you relate to yourself, others, and the world. It’s how you respond to chaos. It’s how you hold joy. It’s how you make space for life to unfold through you.
A woman isn’t just one thing. She’s the container for many things. She can be soft and strong, fierce and nurturing, playful and wise. And none of it cancels the other out.
Feminine and Masculine Within All of Us
One of the biggest misunderstandings I see today is the confusion between energy and identity. Masculine and feminine are not identities. They are frequencies. Expressions of consciousness.
There are men who embody beautiful feminine energy—intuitive, nurturing, receptive. And there are women who embody strong masculine energy—structured, strategic, action-oriented.
But I don’t believe it means those individuals were “born wrong.” It means they are expressing a balance—or imbalance—of energy that lives in everyone.
I say this gently, because I know the topic of gender identity is tender. I’m not here to invalidate anyone’s lived experience. I’m simply offering another lens—one that sees beyond form and into the energetic architecture of who we are.
Tomboy Years and Gender Exploration
Between the ages of 7 and 10, I was what most people would call a tomboy. I wore boys’ clothes, climbed trees, roughhoused, and gravitated toward things considered “boy.” But I wasn’t confused—I was exploring.
I was trying on different ways of being. Not because I thought I was in the wrong body, but because I was still learning the language of me.
And looking back, I’m so grateful that gender-affirming interventions weren’t an option at that time. My brain was still forming. My imagination was alive. I still played pretend, and I acted out roles. I needed space to discover my identity without being told it had to be decided on prematurely.
Our culture doesn’t always make room for exploration anymore. And yet, it’s in that space—of uncertainty, curiosity, and becoming—that we find our truth. What if we honored exploration rather than rushed to define it?
Healing the Noise That Blocked My Knowing
Looking back on my journey to discovering the answer for myself, I can see something clearly now that I couldn’t then: I wasn’t just missing the definition of womanhood—I was buried under layers of trauma responses. My inner world was loud. There were too many parts of me fighting for attention, all trying to be seen, heard, and protected.
I couldn’t hear my knowing self through the noise. I couldn’t access what was deeply true for me because I was entangled in the protective strategies of traumatized parts. Parts that had learned to hide, to please, to perform, to armor up.
Through the work of Internal Family Systems (IFS), I began to meet those parts one by one. I learned their stories. I honored their intentions. And with understanding, I began to gently reassign them to their rightful roles—no longer running the show, but still deeply valued as a member of the family.
As I did this work, something miraculous happened: my core self became easier to hear. My truth became louder and clearer than it was 30 years ago.
Womanhood, for me, became accessible only after tending to the internal landscape that had been cluttered with unprocessed pain. And now, with more internal harmony, I can feel the essence of womanhood within me—unshaken, undeniable, and rooted in something real.
Womanhood Is an Unfolding
The deeper I go into my healing journey, the more I realize that what a woman is continues to evolve as I do.
Each layer of healing reveals another facet of the feminine within me—each one sacred, distinct, and vital to my wholeness:
- The Mother who creates space for life, nourishes from overflow, and holds others with fierce tenderness.
- The Oracle who sees beyond words, reads between realms, and speaks truth wrapped in wisdom.
- The Sovereign who knows her worth, claims her space, and no longer seeks permission to exist.
- The Lover who opens to joy, radiance, and deeply fulfilling connection—with self and others.
- The Warrior who rises to protect what matters most, unwavering and embodied in purpose.
Womanhood isn’t static. It’s seasonal, cyclical, and alive.
And as I’ve come to trust those seasons, I’ve released the need to define myself – instead, I let my being show me who I am becoming.I also hold the belief that boys and men are on their own path of unfolding. Just as I’ve discovered what womanhood means for me, they will discover what manhood means for them. Not through roles, but through being.
Many Lenses, One Self
I don’t think there’s a single answer to the question What is a woman? I think there are many—because we are many things.
- There’s the energetic lens, where womanhood is a frequency.
- The biological lens, where womanhood is shaped by hormones and physical experience.
- The ontological lens, where womanhood is how you be in the world.
- And the social lens, which reflects the expectations and roles society places upon us.
These lenses are not in competition—they are complementary. And when we look through all of them, we begin to see the fullness of who we are.
You Don’t Have to Know to Be
If you’re still asking What is a woman?—that’s okay. Let the question be sacred.
You don’t need a tidy definition, you just need permission to be with the question, and you don’t have to know before you can be. You don’t need a label before you can feel your truth.
Let your identity unfold. Let your essence speak, and let your feminine reveal herself to you in seasons.
You are not here to meet the world’s expectations. You are here to embody your soul’s expression.
You are not a category. You are an ever-evolving expression of consciousness, moving through a feminine form.
And that, is more than enough.
Ready to explore who you really are beneath the conditioning? Book a Coaching Discovery Call and let’s walk together into the clarity, confidence, and alignment of your true self.